He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
