i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
