I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
