i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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