420 ftw
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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