Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
