His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
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