I look better un-naked...
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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