her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
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I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
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Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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