I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Randomize
