Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
