My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
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his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
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Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I need to sanitize my soul.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize