you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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