Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
