my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
