I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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