yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
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