so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
