we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
