i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
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