I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
