New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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