One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
the day after is always just damage control
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Randomize
