Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
