he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
