I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Randomize
