Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
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She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
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We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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