Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
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