I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
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