Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
