the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
