Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
