How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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