I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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