sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
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