I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
i think i have herpe
just one?
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Randomize
