I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
