Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
where are you?
Hypothermia
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
