we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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