Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Randomize
