i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
