last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
