There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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