i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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