there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
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