i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
She even gives head with a lisp.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
