you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
