My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
