Even the bartender felt bad for me
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
