giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
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