Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
