alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Hippo gnu deer
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
