this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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