allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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