she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
