I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
