i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
