so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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