is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
