your room smells of hookers.
And success
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
