I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
