he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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