ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Randomize
