worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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