I accidentally had phone sex last night
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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