I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
